Step-families or ‘blended families’ are increasingly becoming the norm in our society |18 September 2021

Once again, when I moved to Seychelles, I was faced with another reality – step-families! A completely new structure for me as I did not know how to call the stepfather and the stepmother of my husband. I finally had to ask them what they would prefer and went with that. The other major new step was how to bond with the brothers and sisters from both sides! Definitely, unconditional love had to be there and slowly, slowly I learnt about the dynamics of both families. After 17 years of marriage, I can humbly say that I am part of two loving in laws.

In Seychelles, we do not have a figure of step-families/parents that exist, but more and more step-families, often termed ‘blended families’, are becoming the norm in our society. Reading more about it, in an article wrote by Hélène Harper, I found out that there are about three types of step-families: the romantic, the matriarchal and the neo-traditional.

The author explained that the romantic phase is characterised by the bio parent thinking the step-parent would love their child the same way they do, and expecting the child to love, listen to and be close to the step-parent as they are with the bio-parent. Couples who continue to think this way have the highest rate of divorce, according to the conclusions of a longitudinal research study by Dr James Bray, one of the fathers of step-family research.

The matriarchal step-family has a lower chance of divorce. Though the marriage relationship may be in good standing, when it comes to parenting, tensions exist between husband and wife. The principal characteristic in the matriarchal step-family is the bio-mom’s dominant role. The stepdad isn’t seen as a dad, but mom’s partner. He’s not involved in discipline, and this is not necessarily by his own choice. They marry for a new marriage, not necessarily a new family.

Finally, there’s the neo-traditional step-family, which has the highest rate of success, characterised by couples that handle stress and challenges well. They typically acknowledge the difficulties associated with a step-family, and learn to become adaptive to the ongoing changes. The couple initially comes together to form a family, as well as be a couple.

We hope that this article will help our readers dive into the world of ‘step-families’ and also be more compassionate towards them.

As of this week, we would want you readers to participate in our family page. Our next two topics will be ‘Let’s talk about sex’ and ‘Home alone’ as children will be going on holiday this weekend. Please call us on 2597812 if you have any queries or if you want to contribute towards the article.

Vidya Gappy

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Step-families – A family like no other!

Building a new family is an exciting but challenging time. It needs a lot of time, energy and hard work. There are many different kinds of step-families and each will have different strengths to build on and difficulties to overcome.

Some things that are different about step-families

Making plans: The various people involved in a new step-family may have very different ideas about what they want and how it will work. Some of these things are not spoken about aloud and can cause unexpected hitches. Teenagers for example, may not be very enthusiastic, while husbands, wives, and younger children could be looking forward to it. If these feelings are not openly discussed and understood, they can become obstacles.

Shared loss: There is always some loss involved in starting a step-family. Loss may also come in terms of moving to a new house or loss of status in the family hierarchy, for example from being the only child to having a sibling. Children may carry the hope of getting back what they have lost, even if the parents have been separated for many years.

Letting go: The feelings aroused by separation and divorce or death are very powerful and can invade any new relationship. If you are not yet ready to let go of these feelings (for example if you still feel angry, sad or upset with your ex-partner) you need to get some professional support before you start a new partnership. For children, letting go of the hurt, feeling of abandonment or rejection by the parent who leaves, is often carried into the ‘next’ family.

Some things to think about when starting a step-family

New love: You cannot expect your stepchild to love you, but you can expect them to respect you, as you respect them. A new partner is not immediately a new mother or father and may never be if the child is older. Parenting will probably still need to be done by the child’s biological parents. If you have gone from being single to being a step-parent, the cost and difficulty of bringing up a child when you are not used to it is likely to be a big adjustment.

Boundaries: Step-families cannot have tight boundaries. There are many other people involved, including branches of the extended family all of whom want to play their role in the family. For example, grandparents and relatives may not want the new step-family or may be afraid they will lose contact with their grandchild or adult son or daughter. All of the old family rules and traditions will need to be looked at afresh because each family will bring its own expectations to the new step-family. There are likely to be ongoing changes as children move between families.

New world: If a child has spent time with their parent in a single parent household, they may have been almost like a grown-up friend to their parent. This will be hard for them to give up. There may be difficulties with the child’s other parent over arrangements for ongoing contact with both parents.

We tend to underestimate how difficult it is to build a complicated new family. It takes years, not months, and lots of efforts.

What parents can do:

• Talk to each child and each other openly about all your plans.
• Tell each child it will be strange at first and that it will take time for them to get used to the new changes.
• Listen to your child’s feelings.
• Let each child know that their parent who is not living with you is important. Tell them that you will still support their rights and needs to love and be with that parent.
• Spend time building relationships with each child especially those who are not biologically yours. Take it at their pace, which will be different for each child.
• Try to give children some control over things that will affect them.
• Make sure that children have some privacy, even if it is only a drawer of their own in each house.
• Find a new place to live in if you can. It will be harder for everyone to feel they belong if you live in the home of one of the previous families.
• Work out what will be the new rules and traditions for your new family. New ways to celebrate birthdays and Christmas will need to be worked out. Be prepared to make changes.
• Allow children time to sort out their feelings. There may be behaviour problems, unfriendliness or disagreements while they sort it all out.

Discipline in step-families:

A step-family is like any other family and therefore there should be routines, rules and consequences. These must be discussed between the adults, then the children with clear guidelines on what is accepted or not. Communicate and discuss with the biological parents but while they are in the step-family setting, they must abide by the rules. The step-parent must not feel guilty to impose rules and implement consequences.

Unless a child is very young, parents should discipline their own child and not expect their new partner to do it. If the step-parent does disciplining and does not do exactly as the other parent would have, it can cause problems for everyone. However, if there is a personal problem between the step-parent and the child, the step-parent needs to insist on a way of ‘getting on’ that is reasonable.

Reminders

• Live for one day at a time and plan for short periods. Don’t expect to be ‘happily ever after’ by next week!
• Step-families are usually decided by two adults who want to be together. The children may not share the same feelings about it.
• Never fight in front of your child or stepchild.
• Remind yourself why you fell in love with your partner in the first place and make time and ways to take care of that love.
• Keep your own individual interest as adults and encourage the individual interest and activities of all your children.
• Every family and step-family is unique. What works for someone else may not work for you.
• Be honest about your feelings and sensitive about how you express them.
• Listen to the feelings of all the others in the family.

Letter to my stepdad

Dear Stepdad,

I wonder how it was for you the first time you knew my mom already had two kids. Were you scared? How did you tell your own daughter that she would have two brothers from now on? I do not know how you coped jumping from one to three kids in one night.

Since you have come into our lives, my mom is so much happier. She has you now to go hiking with. You are my personal driver too! You never hesitate to jump in the car and drive me somewhere.

Thank you for keeping our family safe. I would not want to be you! Killing cockroaches for my mum, checking on my big sister’s boyfriend, talking to that boy who bullied me and going to all the parents meetings.

You did not have to but you still did. You taught me how to ride my bike, gets girls…You supported me in my decision to stop karate and take football instead. Yet, you are also my most demanding teacher. Always making sure I do well. I do better. I help more. I am more organised. The list is endless because you want the best for me. You were and still are my biggest supporter.

Because of you, we were able to have a second chance at a happy family.

I know you want to see me be a man and I hope to be that and more.

I have always called you dad, because to me, that is who you are.

Your son

Contributed by the National Council for Children (NCC)/Ministry of Family Affairs, Youth and Sports

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