The phantom ‘Grey Lady’ |17 September 2021

This is the amazing but true story of the phantom ‘Grey Lady’ who was known as Lady Grey in her day; but who now inhabits one of the towers of Lulworth Castle; is a local tale that unwittingly involved my sister Miss Moo and her friend Oli Beak, so named on account of her whiffer.

The central character of this story is the ephemeral and well-known incongruous Grey Lady, who is trapped in the in-between realms, due to her being so often being thwarted and spurned; which only resulted in an innate frustration and jealousy of never having experienced carnal satisfaction on the physical plane. It is said that in her existent ghost form she pined for the carved in stone Roman Legion Man who lives in the Lulworth Park’s ‘Bowling Green Wood’ near the East Gate. On the full moon she would go to the Castle’s Chapel to gather rhododendron flowers and weave a garland of flowers, wearing the silkiest of dresses she would fly off with naughty ideas that had been garlanded by her magic and perfume. Upon arrival she whispered upon his stony ear:

‘By heavens I do love, and will love you, my sweet love!’

I was at times like this that the Legion Man was certainly grateful that he was not stone death. But as he wasn’t going anywhere the Grey Lady considerately wove a compass rose; upon which she pointed out the sea to the south as she floated swimmingly in front of him, or the mysteries of the steam trains to the north at Wool; and being very naughty and desirous she pointed out Shaggs (Beze) woods (with a wink and a nudge) to the North East in the Park. (If you don’t believe me look it up!)

However, one evening in May that month of so oft fatale intense love she appeared before the Roman Legion Man in a semi see-through negligee and silky scarf. Overcome with dangerous temptation that fateful evening, she tried to seduce him with her eyes, but what a shock she got! His head separated from his body and drifted off among the trees, lamenting and moaning, bouncing around and going bonk…….bonk…….bonk! He first ricocheted off an overhanging bough, scattering loves blossoms to the wind, and then off various branches and trunks which emitted an umph noise on each impact. In a desperate effort at reorientating his head following this shocking detachment from his body, the head whinged: ‘Oh wicked ghost why have you violated our bonk! ‘Golden Code?’ Look at me now if you wish, and see what bonk! pleasure you can derive with your man off his bonk! head! I have been so much moved by your bonk! presence here tonight, that you will not see me for a while, for I will be bonk! visiting my new compatriots, the Hambury Headless Coach Driver, The Headless Earl and the Nearly Headless Nick.’ The head then returned towards his body and landed with an almighty thump! next to his feet, startling the Grey Lady and almost making her jump out of her phantaplasm.

Bonk……bonk….bonk!!!

However, our more contemporary story is about one of those evenings that followed the day as the sun set behind the Castle’s woods; a time when the Grey Lady of unrequited carnal desire sought revenge upon unsuspecting lovers and mischievous children. So, subsequently lovers took to frequenting the woods around Shaggs, where at most be they were only disturbed by hearing a spooky yet soft bonk……bonk…….bonk towards the south; but this was only on the full phase of the moon, when the ‘bonking’ was anything but a ‘bonk’! And any children hanging about the castle after dusk were either very brave, or very foolish.

On that portentous evening when the domestic dogs came in and the wild wolves went out, a grandfather clock in the nearby village struck the late hour proclaiming witching time. The light and warmth from the re-assuring blood-red setting sun had disappeared. Nonetheless there was a full cold full moon giving them borrowed time, casting long shadows upon the grass, producing an enticing veil for the obscure.

Unbeknown to Miss Moo & Oli Beak, just to their south as the sun had been falling, lost and trapped spirits were turning in their graves in the garden of death, where the bitterest of wrongs lay buried, but not buried by those spirits with a thirst for revenge as they arose from their churchyard chambers in that dying light. Around the girls the leaves rustled mournfully, then suddenly all was still, an ominous forewarning as the branches stiffened. And all pervading and foreboding silence ensued; to become a deathly chill, and the skull white moon which clearly silhouetted the castle in the stygian gloom that evening gave it really eerie aspects, while the clouds flitted across the firmament, hiding the light of the moon from moment to moment.

The nocturnal wildlife had sensed something, so fell silent too. It was due to cloud cover that evening which permitted Miss Moo to distinctly see the fleeting apparition looking through the open window at the top of the north east tower and her first reaction was to shriek: AAaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggh!’

Oli Beak demanded: What is it Miss Moo, has the night fallen on your toes?’

‘No, no, look!’ She replied in a trembling voice, as she pointed with a quivering hand towards the castle’s tower window.

Neither of them was over the moon or even mildly thrilled about seeing the grey apparition, who was looking in their direction with her bloodless face, eyes as cold as swamp-holes on a dark frosty night, and to their minds, taunting them with the deepest of their secret fears. This was terrifying enough to scare their knickers off, as they nearly wet themselves on the spot. So quite unusually really for ‘Black Hand Gang’ supporters, of all things, they both now shrieked: ‘Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggh!’

And then, they panicked. A glacial fear now penetrated from their heads right down to their toes.

Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the Donkey, they were off, these maidens in distress, faster than a whore’s drawers on a sailor’s pay day! Running away as fast as their little legs would carry them, worse still; their shadows now emerged quite distinctly in the moonlight and appeared to be out legging them. They then feared a third, far more sinister shadow catching up with them. They then even became frightened of their own shadows, for the real danger lay in them taking on those shadows for being substance. And their screams reached the village of East Lulworth before they did.